The Growing Years
by vilannh
Summary: this is an outtake story of my story the call that changed it all. oh how fun it can be for a thousand year old viking to raise a toddler.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ok so I got a review from charhamblin that suggested I should do an outake story of the growing pains that Eric had with Hunter. Since it has been a thousand years since he has been a father and the would has changed. I thought it was a great idea and the ideas just flowed. these are not long but I think that they are fun. I don't know how many I will have or how often I will update sorry. **

**This will be in Eric's POV majority of the time since it is his grumbling. Hope you enjoy and once again thanks agaion to charhamblin for the lovely idea.**

**Disclaimer: I no owns these Charlaine does**

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**The growing years**

Oh my gods. Holy Odin. If I hear the ABC's one more time. Throw the 123's in there too. I mean I can count in more language then imaginable, but his Auntie felt he needed help learning them from more then just me.

Fucking Pam

"Ewic yous wakey yet. EWIC! yet another thing I am not used to. After a thousand years of waking up to silence, blood, or sex having a toddler scream at the top of his lungs at first dark was...disturbing.

"Yes Hunter I am awake" I answered so he would stop shouting.

Fucking Pam.

She thought it was funny when Hunt asked how old I was to tell him I was so old I probably needed help hearing him. So now if I don't answer him immediately he shouts.

"Ewic my dwum not workin wite" he said or tried at least. Sookie said it was normal for a child his age to speak the way he does.

"Maybe you broke it" one can hope right.

"NOOO... Auntie Evi says it needs battawies. YOU FIX IT" he demanded as he shoved it onto the bed.

"Hunter I have no batteries at this time. I will fix it when I get back from work." I told him as I rose and began to prepare for my night.

"NOOO it needs fixin now. NOW EWIC." I turned around just in time to catch the offending object before it hit my head.

I know these toys are made to be sturdy so kids can't break them, but this thing is a weapon.

"BA TA WIES NOW PEEAS. I gonna tell Pammie yous need heawing aides" he said and stomped out the room yelling at Sookie.

I came into the kitchen with Hunter in tears.

"but he said no auntie. Ewic said he's do it aftaw he workdeds. I bees in beddy by then" he whined.

"Well sweety your Uncle will do his best to fix it as soon as he can" Sookie tried to soothe him.

That is how I found myself standing in line at Wal mart holding an armful of every size battery available. Gods know when another one of his toys run the fuck down and thanks to Pam I think he has every battery operated toy ever made.

The best part of tonight...the text messages I get every two minutes from Pam. Speak of the devil she is vibrating my pocket now

_A...B...C... _

Fucking Pam

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed...so do you think I should have more...let me know**


	2. Cookies and swords

**A/N: Here is another growing year for you. I am almost done with the next chapter of the Call, but I thought it would be fun to post one of these. So here you go...**_  
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**Oh yeah and I don't own any of these characters**

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**Cookies and Swords **

_Squeak scratch scratch scratch squeak_

What the fuck is that noise?

I dislodged myself from Sookie's sleeping form. I hated leaving her side. Especially, after the vigorous fucking we did tonight. Gotta love a fairy's ability to sound proof.

I made my way downstairs. Somebody was creeping in the kitchen. I stopped at the closet and gathered my sword preparing to slay the late night intruder.

How the fuck

That was all I could think.

How does a toddler get on top of the refrigerator? Where did he learn to build a fucking ladder?

The stepping stool was pulled from across the room and was in front of the counter. The tin that holds Sookie's flour was next to the refrigerator and on top of that was her sugar tin.

Hunter sat proudly on top with the cookie jar in between his legs. Chocolate was smeared all over his face.

"Hunter what are you doing?" I asked

"shh... auntie is sweepin." Oh this was just too much. He was telling me not to wake his aunt. I placed my sword on the table and went to get him down.

"wait I needs won mow. Auntie said I gets cookie fo deswert. She's forgoted to give me." he explained to me.

"Well, I think you have had enough for tonight Little man. I also think your aunt would not be to happy if you fell and broke your neck over a cookie. So from now on no more climbing ok." I scolded as best I could while cleaning his mouth after I deconstructed his ladder.

"Otay Ewic. I's sowwy." He whispered.

"Alright off to bed with you." I tucked him in and waited for him to go to sleep before I rejoined my wife.

I rose to my love standing at the end of the bed, with her hands on her hips, while tapping her foot.

She was pissed. I didn't know her cookies meant that much to her.

"Eric how could you?" she asked "There is a child in the house and that was just pure carelessness and dangerous on top of it all." I checked to make sure I was covered and had pajama bottoms on. Check, on both of those. So none of my bits were showing and while I am an amazing lover my dick showing has never been a dangerous thing.

Ok, Hunter did not walk in to me being "nakey" again. I have no idea what she was mad about.

"Lover, I can honestly say I have no clue what you are talking about." I admitted

"Let me put it this way. If you can't learn to put your big sword away your little sword will not have any where to be put." she said and stormed out yelling down to Evina about something. Well, at least I know where the boy gets that from.

I thought about what she said...Shit, after saving our child from death by cookie climbing I may have left my sword laying on the table.

Ugh...does fatherhood ever get easier.

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**Hope you liked it let me know**


	3. Eric Northman party planner

**A/N: thank you so much to the great response to this little outtake story. I am so glad you all are enjoying it. **

**Charlaine Harris owns all the characters, but they are fun to play with.**

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**Eric Northman: Awesome Fucking Party Planner**

"Pam what the fuck is a _streamer_?" I demanded as I entered my office with this ridiculous list.

"Have you been married that long that you have forgotten the sound off woman screaming 'oh god Eric faster harder'? No that can't be it, Sookie is quite loud" my child smirked.

"Not a screamer you twit. A _streamer_." I needed her help not her fucking wit right now.

"Sorry master, your on your own with this one. Mommy dearest has made it clear I am not to assist you with the birthday party." she said with a huge fucking grin on her face.

"But what could she do if you did, it can't be that bad" I knew I was trying to conspire behind my wife's back, but I didn't know what most of this stuff was on the list she gave me and what the hell are the Teletubbies.

"Oh you should have thought of that before you put her name on all your credit card accounts and gave her the power to cancel the ones I have copies of. And before you try, she told me to tell you if you command me you will be in the dog house. Are you getting the midget a dog?" she asked in her normal bored tone.

I growled in response.

"I guess you don't need one." she laughed "Oh for heaven's sake Eric, there is a fucking toy store right next door." she stated then zipped out of my office.

As I entered the giraffe store the young greeter just stared. "Teletubby now"

"aaa...aisle 5" he stuttered and pointed. Gods I love being a vampire sometimes.

That thought left my head as soon as I entered the aisle. Purple, Red, Yellow, and Green. They all had shapes and whatever language the spoke, when you did as the box instructed and squeezed their belly, I didn't know. Hard ones, soft ones, Big, small. How the fuck was I supposed to know what to get. I sighed and got to the task laid before me.

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I have never been so happy not to have my wife by my side. Why do they include instructions if they make no damn sense. To top everything of the fucking fairy rolling on the ground laughing at me did not help. He has been reading the guide, which by the way came only in French, for the last four hours. We were no closer to getting it put together now then when we started. Isn't that the point of having money, power, and minions to put fucking swing sets together for you.

I finally got it together with no help from Mr. Giggles. I even had a few parts left over. Huh who knew there was extra?

Now, all I have left is the inside of the house.

So I Google party rooms and began to copy every room I could find. Purple, red, yellow, and green streamers twirled together and strung all over the ceiling, check. Caramel apples in the piñata,check. Paper table cloth, paper plates, cups, and pointy hats, that I will not be wearing, check. 600 balloons blown up and in the living room, check. Did you know that of you blow to hard those fuckers pop in your face and there has to be an easier way to tie them.

Last thing on the list... wrap presents. Now I see why parents do not buy their kids every Tele-tubby toy in the store. Wrapping them is fucking hard, but 15 rolls of duct tape later and my sons birthday party was ready for him when Sookie and he return from Jason's tomorrow.

"Where did you put the birthday candles?" the non helping fairy asked.

Oops. " I got it all taken care of" I tell him. With only 15 minutes till dawn there is no time for the store. Oh wait, I have signal flares in my trunk. Yup, that will work, right?

Like Lafayette says " I am the shit" this will be the best birthday party ever. I think as death takes me.

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**A/N: Let me know if you still like them...please review**


	4. The Hairless Warrior

**A/N: so I want to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed, faved, and just read the story in general. My computer crashed on me so I am trying to get things back on track with this new one. I have to rewrite the next chapter to The Call unfortunately. Luckily, I had this chapter was saved on my iPod so I have this for you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this Charlaine Harris does and Disney does too for some of the things referenced in this chapter. **

**Hope you enjoy...**

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The Hairless Warrior

What the fuck is this?

Why am I covered in my hair and why is it not attached to my head?

Vampires do not suffer from balding. I grab a handful that is laying on my chest. Yes, this is definitely my hair.

I zip as fast as I can to the bathroom. Patches of hair falling behind me. I look in the mirror and what is looking back at me is not me. My hair is short. My long gorgeous hair is no longer then my shoulders and some patches on the side are cut damn near to my scalp.

"SOOKIE" I yell. I can't believe this shit "SOOKIE" this time I yell so loud I know she heard me. Fuck she's not even here. There is not a heart beat in the house.

"SOOKIE" I scream mentally

"OK, I hear you. I just need you to calm down" I hear her respond in my head. Calm down... calm the fuck down. My hair is everywhere and she wants me to calm down. I walk into the room to get dressed and find her, when I see them. Laying right next to where I sleep.

"Hunter" I yell mentally. His fucking child proof purple Teletubby scissors.

"Eric, please you have to understand" Sookie tells me. I don't have to understand shit. I block the connection and prepare to leave. When I get my hands on that boy I am going to...

To what... What am I going to do? Choke, no. Shake, no. Definitely can't kill him. I wouldn't want to. Spank, yes I could do that, spank. I rush to where I feel them, Jason's house. As I bang on the front door I can hear Hunter's wailing cries.

Sookie comes to the door worry spread completely across her face. "listen Eric" she starts then looks at my head and snickers. She is fucking laughing at me. I do not find anything about this funny.

"Hunter, come here" I demand. I know he is scared, but then what 5-year-old wouldn't be when their huge Viking vampire dad is yelling fangs down at them. "Hunter, come here" I tell him again.

He comes close to Sookie and I snatch him up and fly of before anyone can stop me. Sookie knows that I will not truly harm our child. I suspect that is why his fairy guards do not just appear. I fly to the woods that surround our house, sit on a high branch, and bend my son over my knee. He is sobbing uncontrollably at this point and just before my hand is about to come down "sowwy...hiccup...hiccup...Ewic"

I can't do it. I cannot strike my son. I sling him over my shoulder and drop him off on the porch. "Go to your room until I come for you" he took of running to his room faster then I have ever seen him move.

Fifty trees being uprooted later I made my way up to Hunters room. Sookie was waiting in the kitchen. I silenced her with a glare and a raised hand while walking by.

I seat at the tiny desk chair Hunter has in his room. He is cuddled up with his stuffed bear on his bed sniffling still.

I sigh "Why Hunter? Why would you do this?" I ask and point to my seriously fucked up head.

"Well, yous is a wowror Ewic wike Muwon is and she had to cut hers haiw to be a fwighta and then she was a good fwighta and so I want you to be good so I's cut your haiw so you couwd bees stwong wike her but auntie says that was bad and yous strong no matta what so I's twy to put it back on but it no go Ewic I try to fwix it auntie took me to Uncle jay jay howse befo I can glues it back. It her fawt she no let me fwix it." he finally finished explaining.

Silence

More silence

He began to fidget

I walked out of the room not saying a word. I rejoined Sookie in the kitchen. Sitting silently until she joined me. She sat silently across from me waiting for me to say something. She began to fidget just as Hunter did.

"Were you aware that this is your fault for not allowing him to glue my hair back on after he cut it. How could you?" I said and left back out the woods, smiling to myself, before she could say anything.

When I got to the end the creek deep in our woods I could not hold it any longer. I laughed so hard. Yes, it would take a week for my hair to grow back, and I would have to barricade myself in the house till it did, but his explanation had to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. There was a child's logic to the whole thing and the fact that he tried to fix his mistake and blamed his Aunt for not allowing it was the funniest part of it all. I have read many parenting books since Hunter has joined us and none of them say what to do when Disney movies cause your children to misbehave.

As I returned to the house, I saw all the Disney movies in the trash and heard Hunter telling Sookie that they lied and he does not want them any more cause lying was bad.

I gathered them up as I walked into the house back to my crazy ass family. But...

Bedroom door locks are definitely on my to so list.

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**A/N: In case any of you have not seen the Disney movie Mulan, she cuts her hair to join the military and become a warrior. Let me know what you think please. **


	5. Naughty or Nice

**A/N: Just a short little diddy for you all. Just to let you know the conversation between Sookie and Eric is mental _italics are Eric._**

**Disclaimer:I own nothing Charlaine Harris and Allen Ball do**

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_**Naughty or Nice**_

_Sookie this is wrong_

**Step**

What do you mean?

**Step**

_This is ridiculous_

**Step**

I still do not understand my love

**Step**

_You know what I am talking about_

**Step**

No I don't, you agreed to this

**Step**

_That is beside the point. I was at a disadvantage_

**Step**

You are a 6'4' vampire Viking; he is a 3 foot fairy hybrid what disadvantage was there

**Step**

_He has pouty lips and giant teary eyes and I did not understand him_

**Step**

Honey you speak 400 languages including toddler you knew what he was saying

**Step**

_I am Eric fucking Northman_

**Step**

Not tonight; tonight you are Ucwel Eric. Bonding time remember.

**Step**

_I am King of Louisianna_

**Step**

Nope. Is he still chattering?

**Step**

_Yes and now he said I have to…no I refuse to do that NO!_

So what do you to young men want for Christmas and have you been naughty or nice? The jolly old man in a bad costume strained to ask Hunter and I as we sat on his lap just as the camera snapped.

That was getting shredded.

Hunter skipped over to the kiosk and ordered every type of picture you could imagine. Every size, frame, buttons, stockings and the best one a quilt with it us on it. We were told to wait 15 minutes while the elves worked in the workshop. He pulled out a hand full of hundreds to pay for it and thanked the lady when she handed us our packages a few moments later. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Wha? Aunty Pam said to get enuf for evyone." He said as he skipped for the exit singing his version of here comes Santy Cwause.

Fucking Pam

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**A/N: Hope you liked it**


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